i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Randomize
