Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Let's get the cat blown out
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
