You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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