I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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