my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
