He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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