My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Randomize
