alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
