yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
