Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
