not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
