Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
