Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
