i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
i now understand why vodka
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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