So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
