I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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