if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
