we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
