That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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