I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
