..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
