Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
