with your own penis?
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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