I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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