I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
