My hand turned me down
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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