What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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