she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You're a waste of cheezeits
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
