cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
