We named our party play list daddy issues
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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