i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
