I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
