You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
