Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
