Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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