I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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