Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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