8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
