wake up i wanna do it froggy style
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
