Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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