I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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