You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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