I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
