I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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