So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
