No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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