I have demons in me.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
