Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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