one might say we're banned from that church
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
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