When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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