It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
