So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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