Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
