Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
