Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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