I can't breathe out the right side of my face
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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